Wanted: Special Interest Relationship, Or Not

Jill Schildhouse knows exactly what she wants in a guy: a Jewish one. That’s why the 31-year-old editor from Phoenix has been “religiously” searching for the right man via JDate, an online dating community for Jewish singles, for the last seven years.

A self-described “reformed” Jew—“I didn’t even have a bat mitzvah and I hardly go to temple”—Schildhouse still believes long-term relationship happiness comes in the shape of someone who relates to her upbringing and cultural beliefs. “I was raised Jewish, my parents are Jewish. Even though they don’t pressure me into marrying a Jewish man, I think there’s something to be said about them being married for 33 years. The more you have in common, the easier it is to build a stronger, long-term foundation.”

Millions of others seem to agree with Schidhouse’s dating philosophy, turning to niche sites that cater to cultural, religious and ethnic categories in the hopes of making a love match. Looking for a marriage-minded Catholic? Try avemariasingles.com. In search of an Orthodox Jew? Click orthodate.com. Prefer a cross-cultural connection? Visit interracialcupid.com. Maybe you’re an equal opportunity, sub-specialist who happens to be a nerd? Your dream date might be at geekculture.com.

But others prefer to throw the net wider to sites such as Match.com, Chemistry.com or EHarmony in the hopes of synching up chemistry, personalities and values first, ethnic and relgiious ties after that. But which is right for you?

A Niche for All
Los Angeles-based Spark Networks owns more than 30 online communities, including JDate, BlackSingles and ChristianMingle, which primarily target specific religious, ethnic and other special interest groups. According to the company’s spokesperson, Gail Laguna, tailored sites provide Internet daters a better shot at finding a common ground and a lasting connection than more mainstream choices like Match or e-harmony. “They attract serious daters, people looking for long-term relationships. Common values, culture and beliefs are important factors when determining the success of a long-term relationship, and communities for likeminded singles help singles find others that share their similar values and beliefs,” she says.

While Internet researcher comScore Media Metrix reports that virtual matchmaking is down—20.2 millions Americans visited online dating sites in December 2007, dropping 10 percent from 2006—it hasn’t stopped the explosion of dating choices. Web dating environments continue to pop up, and have morphed from traditional, universal paid sites where a rainbow of people post their standard likes and dislikes into social networking communities that feature more in-depth lifestyle habits, hobbies and personality traits, allowing users to view profiles without having to opt in as a paid customer.

As an on-again, off-again cyber dater, Schidlhouse does think her single-focus approach has been somewhat of a disadvantage in her pursuit of eternal love. Part of the challenge is that she limits her online searches to only Jewish men who live in Phoenix. “The Jewish population is a minority to begin with and I live in a city with an even smaller Jewish population. I’ve dated just about everyone who has ever been on JDate. I’m sure men who’ve been on JDate as long as I have feel the same way about me,” says Schildhouse, who isn’t willing to date long distance.

Drifting in a Sea of Sameness?
An inability to cast a wide net is exactly why Erika Moore, a New York-based dating coach whose firm Romance Language writes online dating profiles for clients, isn’t a fan of the niche format. “Dating is a numbers game. People do online dating because of a need to get out of their orbit.” says Moore, who discourages her clients from joining the special interest communities in favor of more universal sites. She adds that even if people have dating contract-breakers, like religious affiliation, there’s no guarantee about the “authenticity” of members. “Three are plenty of non-Jewish men who put profiles on JDate. I just don’t see the point. You can search for that option on a regular site.”

Karen Clayton, a 29-year-old healthcare management professional who lives in Chicago, has tried online dating for the last four years, and takes the no-prisoners tactic to dating, preferring to shop around vs. shopping on any one site. “I’m just looking for the right man for me. I’m attracted to all sorts of men and have met some nice white, black, Indian, Hispanic and Asian men during my online dating adventures. I feel like sites specific to one cultural or religious perspective would limit my search too much,” Clayton says.
“Because I’m open, I tend to stick with the more traditional sites. For example, I have tried eHarmony, Match and even Craigslist.”

Natalie Evenson, age 37, of West Jordan, Utah, had a clear-cut idea about who she wanted to date in cyberspace but found that even with targeted sites, it didn’t make the process of finding a Mormon any easier, particularly when it came to truth in advertising. “I tried several sites—eHarmony, LDSPlanet, LDSMingle, LDSTogether, which is LDSSingles now. I liked using the LDS web sites because I believed their members would most likely share my same beliefs, which is very important to me. However, it was surprising that the majority of the ones on those web sites who would said they were LDS and wanted an LDS girl were not really LDS,” Evenson says.

Despite some false starts—and profiles—she continued her Mormon pursuits, eventually striking up a chat on LDSSingles in 2004 with her now husband, whom she married on Nov. 10, 2007. “For me I was home with three small children and this was the only way for me to meet people. It was sure nice that they did the hard work of weeding out people that didn’t match the questions that I was asked.”

Love, Specifically
Online dating presents both unique opportunities and challenges for the lovelorn. Yet, whether you’re seeking love on a mainstream dating site or in a niche community, being a successful dater is knowing who and what you like—and than going after it with heart.

“The bottom line is that it comes down to being clear and selecting your preferences—and deal breakers—in the search,” Moore says. “You need to look at the template and make those choices right up front.”